My middle name is Thomas

My parents named me Jason Thomas Collins. Thomas comes from one of the twelve disciples - the disciple who is known as the doubter. In the gospel of John, Thomas needs to see and feel the wounds in Jesus' hands and feet to believe, as he was not there during Jesus' first appearance to the other disciples. I am not saying I have not witnessed many magical, mystical and spiritual experiences, but I am a doubter. It is not that Thomas did not love Jesus - that was never in question.

When I published the blog "Happy problems still can be unhappy," I was nervous. The things I think and feel are harsh and difficult; they are not easy for me. I was most concerned about the impact my words would have on three men I love and admire: my dad, Ted Nordlund and Dennis Plies. I do not desire to dismiss their love for Jesus, their work and their impact on me - I would be a fool to do that. Yet, the things I say and think and feel are hard. I like hard things. I grow and bear fruit because of the hard things.

Just like Thomas, I too love Jesus. I love Jesus so much that I do not take that love lightly. In fact, I take my desire to live a life like Jesus extremely seriously.

Living on the farm and choosing to try to seperate myself from typical American culture and civilization makes me question everything. This kind of living and thinking often feels like a losing battle. Part of separating myself is deconstructing and reconstructing everything. Everything includes religion. What and who really is Jesus? This question and answer nutures the essence of who I am to be.

I know Jesus' essence is love, but perhaps I am too short sighted. I can not stop seeing the pain in people and our careless treatment of the environment. I doubt if there is an answer or hope for the end of humanity's sorrow and the earth's moaning. What do I do with this doubt? How does Jesus influence me in this frustration and dispair?

My family and Charis' family had an awesome conversation with me about all of this; conversation is what I desire, need and fills my soul, conversation that is hard and asks difficult questions and can end without answers. They were right in that Jesus is not all about the cross, blood, death and sin. Jesus is about love, redemption and grace. I see that I do not accept, know or understand the true love, redemption and grace that Jesus has given them. I am too proud, stubborn and angry.

Bonhoffer said grace is not cheap but costly. I agree. This costly grace should radically effect the way I live my life in relationship to others and my environment. How do I live a life of hope and a life that works toward reversing suffering and destruction?