Resolutions

The last couple of days I've been home, I've managed to set aside time for myself - something I am usually very undisciplined about. On Wednesday I took a walk in the morning. It's colder and crisper, even a little snowier these days. I pulled on my mukluks and trodded up the woods trail to the ridge. Along the way, I heard the hum of either snowmobiles or chainsaws not far off. Coming over the woods hill, I was stopped in my tracks at the sight and jarring sound of trees coming down. Our neighbor must be logging his woods property - why, we wonder? Why would someone willingly take down their beautiful, strong, tall trees? I cried when I heard the first crack, then whoosh, then thud of a fallen tree. I imagined those quiet giants helpless next to a tiny chainsaw - no voice, no power. And then I was amazed to find that within minutes and a few more fallen trees, I was already used to it, no longer saddened so deeply. Maybe our neighbors need the money. Maybe it's something that they planned to do long before we ever showed up to this part of town...we who have the luxury of living among our acres recreationally and not having to survive off of them. I welcomed all these thoughts and moved on in my walk. The ridge is snowier than right around our place, and it was exhilarating to walk/run/slide down the steep forest hill on my way back, trying to keep with the deer trails - they know the best route through the brushy woods. Across the road and into our field - the rows of alfalfa from summer are still visible through the snow.

The clarity of the air and the sun and the time away gave way to thoughts on who I want to be. I want to be a joyful, relaxed, present mother and wife. I want to be passionate and genuinely disciplined about my job. I want to take photos to capture the beauty of a moment, not because I am frantically trying to document it. I want to be reenergized in doing/by doing home projects - from cleaning out junk drawers to planting our garden starter seeds. I want to spend more time alone. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to spend more time doing nothing but sitting back at the dinner table with my household. I want to spend more time on the floor with our little boys.

I feel like I'm on a refurbished path - it's where I've always been headed, but my step is lighter and more deliberate. Today I talked with Chris and watched Ellis sleep while we walked our 5 mile loop. I watched Chris and Ellis "swim" in the hot tub. I worked on projects for the Mississippi River Fund. I had sundried tomato pesto for lunch, thankful still for last summer's crop. It's a beautiful thing, to relish in the goods from our 2006 garden while we plant our 2007 seeds.

It's about to get dark. Charis, Jay and Owain are due home anytime. Then boys' bedtime, dinner with us four, finish laundry, and to bed. Many blessings.