What it is

These days finding just the right time and space to blog is like capturing a unicorn, which is frustrating in that writing has always been a huge part of who I am and how I best examine my thoughts and feelings. Because of this, there are often times I feel like a smaller percentage of myself. Other things fill the space - worthy things - but I know this is elemental in how I process, and it has been neglected for far too long.

Another reason why I haven't written as much lately is that I have often felt conflicted about just exactly what to write. We here at the farm have been going through what I would best describe as a major period of growth as a community, and this has included some conflict, some tension, some arguing, some reckoning and some mending. We have undertaken many monumental life events all at once, and the realities of what we're doing here - particularly as our families grow and our needs change - take their toll, especially when we allow ourselves to get disconnected from each other. Just as people don't usually grab the camera when their kids are throwing a tantrum, I don't always feel inclined to share with the world our struggles here. It's much easier to post pictures of Owain doing the darndest things and call it a day. But it isn't honest. We have differences in personalities and in the way we do things. We are a crazy blend of introversion and extroversion, and throw in a couple of spirited boys and you can bet that times can get pretty wild. It's kind of like getting married again. But to a few other people. Plus jobs take us away from what we really want to be doing and focus can be lost. Making friends while living rural means burning too many fossil fuels. Goals and ideals and dreams must be organized and reorganized on a regular basis. All of this plus the fact that nothing in this culture is set up for a two-family household accounts for a lifestyle that finds us swimming upstream much of the time, and that can get draining.

But here's the thing.

While in some ways it might be "easier" to just go back to living separately (the path of least resistance), none of us could imagine doing that now. In fact, it would feel harder to me. And lonelier. Honestly, if I think about it, even during times of conflict when I want to bolt, I know there's no place I'd rather be. Now that I've experienced the dynamics of our life here at Lostview - adjusting to the comfort of the chores that make up the fabric of my daily existence, knowing that there are a few more people in my life who I can say something really awful to and still feel sure of their love and care for me, and knowing that my roommates are not just roommates, but people who share my greater life priorities - well, that just feels huge to me. Learning to live together in this deep way is a necessary part of the journey.

There are some key times in my life that have felt like major cornerstones. Getting married to Jay, having Owain and forming this community all fall in to that category, and as I write I realize they all involve the giving of my self. And doing the very things that terrify me the most (if you want to see the true face of panic, throw a conflict-phobic in to a living situation with new people). This has not been an easy process for me: sometimes the pruning hurts. And being in relationship with people on this level has made me painfully aware of the things I don't like about who I am. But I'm growing here in ways I could never have imagined - in ways I most likely would not in any other situation - and that is profound.