Happy problems still can be unhappy

I am in the midst of a great balancing act. Deep down inside I know it is all happy problems, but still can cause the depressed and angry Jay to be present - more present than healthy.

1) Charis and farm family. The most important part of my life and the balance keeps this key from ever having enough time. Highlights: Florida was a fantastic time with Charis. We stumbled upon an island. We walked north to find the ferry to the island state park and a few miles later realized this time of year the beach is above sea level, and we arrived. The island state park was full of sea shells and a lovely variety of birds. Walking, watching parrots bounce their heads on telephone wires and beautiful sunsets into the horizon of blue sky and sea, plus the taste of salt water on my mustache, a total blessing.
Highlight: Trip to Chicago to see Nathan and Barbara. Began with a great night at my brothers with my parents. We ate great food, laughed, drank and watched golf ball sized hail slam into the front yard. I love Chicago, so fun to ride the EL, see people of different color, religion and size. Nathan and I ran around Millenium Park fountains in our bare feet. We had awesome Indain food on Devon street. We were the only white folks there. Granted, I had a few beers - to wash down the hot food - but the spice and flavor created a blessed hallucingenic experience in my mouth and head. Devon is awesome: one block Hassidic Jews, next block Isalamic book stores, next block Indian Hindus. So simply and natural.
On our truck ride down to Madison it was rather quiet between Charis and I until I brought up the struggle. It is hard for me to talk and face the pain of communicating and focus with each other. I said it was so much easier before. Charis graciously clued me in to the truth and a relief. We are at a deeper place in our relationship and knowledge of each other; she is pregnant, we live in community, and all of this has brought to a deeper place in our relationship. Therefore, some the of tough elements are more clear and we are actually dealing with them. Yes, it is harder, but we are closer and more intimate than before: a gift.

2) Music: I practiced my horn today for an hour. I love playing. It is one of the few times in my life when I am in the moment and nothing consciously enters my mind, heart or soul but the rhythm, chords and melodies. So much fun. The trouble is I am not able to play my horn as much as I would like.

3) Work: This takes up was too much of my time. I totally dig the students. They are creative, caring and fun people. My time with them is a joy. My time at work not with them is frustration and pain. I consistently disagree with the philosophy of my co-workers and the school: single subject classrooms. To top it off my position was cut. I have a job next year because the math teacher on my team is going to fill a seventh grade teaching position available due to retirement. The sixth grade team is having a hissy fit trying to keep the team at five and not four teachers. They say things like it is wrong for the kids for teachers to teach multiple subjects. I would love to teach more subjects and have less kids. I keep thinking in the back of my head the program has a giant hole in it, what does it do to fix a little crack? I can not say this. It is rude. The teachers mean well and do a great job. Simply, I have a unique specific style I find the best and can not settle for less: Cedar Lodge.
Plus my commute sucks. One hour bike ride and a 20 minute car ride - get up at 5 and come home at 5 - when is that ever healthy? I love the bike ride, especially now that my protein intake has increased with all the bugs back in the air. I have to keep my mouth closed as I gape at the awesome sunrises over the river and valley. My first sacrifice will be driving to Colfax for my commute next year. This will give an extra hour and fifteen minutes at home with Thelonious. I have to do that. It hurts to think that though.

4) Garden: The other day I arrived home and saw that Chris and Becca had planted all types of lettuce. I was hurt. I was jealous. I wanted to do that with them too. I completely understand why they did and the work needs to be done.

This is my ever present problem with the balance. I want to do all four, or I have to work right now. The summer will be great because I am not working at school, and I can play in the garden all day. I have to be patient and wait. I am not a very patient person and do not care to wait. I want to do all four and I physically can not right now; at least Charis and family, music and garden as much as I would like to.

Happy problems, but cause me anger and frustration.

Charis and I have had many conversations. Maybe why I have receding hairline; I keep ringing my hands in my hair. The hope is two more years at Menomonie Middle School. After two years the 18 acre field is ours to farm. We can start a CSA and try to make income off the farm. I could substitute at Colfax, or if a job comes up take a job there. The ever looming question: insurance and income.

The other frustration crawling under my skin - religion. Chris, Becca and I went to the local church. Great people: all our neighbors. But. I felt like a complete foreigner. I was observing a completely alien culture. All this talk about being a sinner and needed someone to die a gruesome death as a sacrifice for me and all the evil I have done. Weird and sick. I do not want a God who thinks this and has this as the focus of relationship. Sacrifice and death has nothing to do with my culture and who I am. I grew up steeped in these concepts and now they rub me the completely wrong way. It is hard for me to say that, but honestly how I feel. I still dig Jesus and love his message of care for all people, especially the outcast and hurting. I also struggle with the humans evil part. Yes, I daily screw up and make stupid choices. Yet, is it my nature or is it because I am a product of industrialized agriculture and living with greed and power as the true gods? This is where Jesus is right on: greed is the evil, power is the evil. Now the real question. Do I want my child to be instituitionalized in the concept of being a sinner and needing someone to die a horrible death so you can feel OK about yourself? Right now, No.

The good: Charis looks gorgous. The trees are budding and the tulips are blooming. My hops are already six inches long. If I can get a sextet together, I have a gig in June. Ellis is total fun everyday: loud, active, interactive and personality. Dexter Gordon is on the radio. Charis and I heard the Battlefield Band. I tapped my foot constantly and even yelled out Uh and Oh as the bag pipes and violin cranked out heavy lines. The four of laugh hard and loud at dinner. Tonight both Charis and I shed tears off joy from our zany conversation.
We had a canine friend for a while. What a joy to see the back end wiggle in excitement from seeing you. Sadly, he chases me every morning to work. He howls and keeps up with his nine inch tongue hanging to the side. Every day he became side tracked by deer and I would lose him. By afternoon he would find his way back. But alas, Tuesday he followed me ten of the eleven miles in. I could hear him howling a half a mile back as I reached Colfax. He has not made it back since. I hope someone who could utilize his keen nose and nature for hunting has found him and loves him dearly.

Jay