It's complicated...

I remember being about 9 or 10 years old and wishing I was grown up. I wanted a purse and a check book and bills to pay. I wanted to drive a car and go to work and carry a briefcase. (A briefcase?!?) While I do get happy about writing checks and paying bills because that means I get to cross something off my to do list (isn't a to do list all about the gratification of crossing things off?), I shudder to think of nearly all of those other "grown up" things that I once coveted. Because a bill is so much more than a little statement with numbers on it. It's more than the thrill of solving a math problem. It's a sign of more responsibility and inflation and debt and dependence.

I am grown up now, even though it often feels like I'm still playing at adulthood. I have stress. I have a house, farm, cars, a job, family of my own. How did I happen upon so many giant leaps in life? When did I even learn how to balance a checkbook or change a flat tire or make dinner? Yes, this is a "where has the time gone?" entry. But really, what amazes me is how much I know simply by osmosis and the passing of time. Marriage and motherhood being the most profound examples.

How does Ellis, my 2 year old son, often have better grammar than I do (was that sentence even grammatically correct?)? Did I teach him to talk? Did I teach him to sing and make playdough pizza? When I stop and think about it, the idea that I am a mom makes me feel like I am 9 years old again. I laugh to myself in disbelief and think there's no way I'll know what to do next. But then Ellis has a massive meltdown and I rise to the occasion and somehow we end up more deeply bonded because of whatever it was he and I did together at that moment, without thinking, simply acting.

I'd like to apply this deep, powerful skill to the rest of my life. When I forge ahead with honest gut-instinct motivation, good things happen. Deliberation and thought are important, yes. But sometimes thought is best saved until afterwards, when I can reflect on my day and my decisions and actions and find peace in the successes and failures of my job...as a mom, wife, sister, daughter, house mate, friend.

The bills and the job and the briefcase--my 10 year old symbols of grown up life. Only now that I'm in it, can I revel in its complicated and difficult and beautiful reality. I know it gets more complicated yet. So now I dream of being REALLY grown up and simplifying - discarding the debt, job, car, and checkbook altogether. Then, what will my new briefcase be? Balance, wholeness, relationships, truth.