Summer - Spirit - Searching

Summer has come to a close, but I am not sad. This summer was one of the best I have had in years: I played. Owain and I camped every week, swam in the river, fiddled in the garden, made loud music and devoured books, pancakes and quesadillas. I had glorious times in the U.P., Madison, Milwaukee and the holy land: Portland.

I go back to school rejuvenated, refreshed and excited. Particularly, I am excited because I moved to teaching the 8th grade. For the next two years, I will know half the students from teaching 6th grade. I saw my class lists yesterday and beamed with excitement to be in the classroom with these young adults again. Plus my mission for power and strength through writing might transfer easier with slightly more mature students(?). I have also become a loud proponent for looping at our school. I am modeling by example.

I am also excited, for I feel like I am getting better in three areas of my life. I am seeking professional help and lots of patience from Charis in becoming a whole human being who connects body, mind and emotion and then actually talks about it. I have grown up learning to separate myself from my body and ignore it because it only stopped me (Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis). I learned to avoid communicating my pain, because for me, talking about it means you are losing. I do not want to lose, but I have learned that my refusal to communicate has caused tremendous damage in my relationship with Charis. How can she know me? How can we grow? I have seen the damage it has done and can see the larger damage it will do if I do not change. I need to change. Therefore, I am talking to her with "I feel.." statements. Sounds so kindergarten like, but that is where I am with my emotional self right now. I guess better than being 55 and starting? So I am starting with my baby steps and improving in my emotional life.

I had a great saxophone lesson from Warren Rand in Portland, and he kicked my butt. I needed it. I am practicing with purpose and difficult exercises in breath support and sound. I sometimes dread having to practice these exercises, but I can already hear the difference, and I like the sound.

I talked about how El Salvador impacted my direction in teaching. It still is, and I am excited to be implementing the change this school year. Students will leave my class with the power to write.

On a tougher note, I am having to deal with my deteriorating body. I have always been able to push through the pain, but a few weeks ago I had to take notice. I cut stacks of limbs with a smaller chainsaw. I cut for an hour - wood for the practice room and hot tub. I felt fine and good. The next morning I woke up and I hurt. My right elbow quit. I could not brush my teeth, or shave for three days. This is terribly hard for me. I pride myself on the physical labor that I contribute to the farm. In order to live simply, you have to have a strong physical body. What do I do? What becomes of my place on the farm and how do I contribute? I do not know, and want to think I can still do it. Thankfully, part of the problem is the medicine I take - it ran out of steam. There might be a different medicine to help. But I have an appointment with the elbow surgeon in October. A new elbow? Yes. When? I hope not soon. My left elbow is better because it was given a temporary boost of replacement marrow after I broke it. I went in for surgery to put it back together after a bike crash, and they found the bone ground to fine dust. I was given new marrow and a stronger elbow - bonus!

Charis and I are brainstorming alternative ways to still live this way: solar power, geo-thermal heating, group work project weekends (those that live close by be prepared). If you have any ideas, let me know. I've always wanted the farm to be more communal and bigger than us.
Maybe this is a necessary nudge that will help this vision.

I know I said earlier that I need to connect body and spirit. I have lived so long trying to separate them. I met with a dear man, neighbor and friend a few nights ago to talk about how to live with limits. He is 77 and has arthritis and is limited too, but still trying to farm and live sustainably. He mentioned some Buddhist ideas that the body is just a temporary vessel for the spirit that goes on and is so much more. I like this idea a lot. I believe in the spirit. Great music is spirit. Sonny Rollins talks about when he is playing a great solo he is outside his body observing the magic too. Ironically, I grew up in a Christian house which also favors spirit beyond the body. I resonate with Jesus' teachings of heaven here on the earth. Let's live our best here and now and not sit around waiting for the better to come later.

I have become a thirsty seeker. I want to know people's take on spirit and body, the connections, the spirit after body. Where does the spirit of Gordon Johnson or Doug Cedarleaf live, play in the today?

Jay