Tenant: Thelonious Collins (heretofore referred to as "fetus")
Landlord: Charis D Collins
Current Address: Womb
Said landlord requests that said fetus clear the premesis no later (but preferably before) August 15, 2006, Year of Our Lord. Landlord expects fetus to make every effort to leave peacefully via proper channels, exiting southward through birth canal and not busting through landlord's womb like a mascot ripping through a team poster, as is currently being attempted. Landlord also requests fetus remove current furnishings along with self, including placenta and umbilical cord, amniotic fluid and any old couches fetus may have picked up in the alley during his/her stay. Landlord has made an effort to sweep the membranes (with the help of her midwife), though fetus may still receive cleaning deposit back if landlord deems it appropriate. Landlord reserves the right to flush out fetus with castor oil cocktail like a hose in a mole hole if fetus hasn't at least made an effort to exit by date stated above. Landlord understands the mighty pleasures her womb must offer, but invites fetus to participate in the larger party on the outside: "It's more fun out here. I promise."
Landlord appreciates all of your calls and emails and loves that you care and feels like Princess Diana with all of the attention from her adoring public, but doesn't want to talk about it right now, and is avoiding the ringing phone like the plague as she has become more and more annoyed with the sound of her own voice on this subject. Know that she will make every effort to keep you informed as the drama plays out...
Stay tuned!
Friday, August 11, 2006
Eviction Notice
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3 comments:
Thanks for the update. Hang in there! The day may come when you'll wish you could stuff him/her back in there. At least they're quiet inside, and can't melt bright red popsicles onto the light beige carpet leaving a large neon stain that takes approximately an hour with the steam cleaner to remove, mostly, leaving only a lightly pink reminder of the incident for the remainder of our tenure in this home, hypothetically speaking, of course. Sigh....
KP
Oh. I feel bad. I was one of those annoying phone callers yesterday! :-( Sorry! Don't midwives have herbs for this sort of thing?!?!??!
Don't you worry your purty lil' head about it Amy. It was very nice to hear your voice. We'll definitely call with any news. When it's news.
Basically castor oil IS the midwife's herb of choice for starting labor. And also what will be on my menu on Tuesday if there's nothing happening by then!
XXOO
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