...and this is my toddler who never left the womb...

Okay, so we're only four days past the "due date" (a date some doctor arbitrarily calculated on a little pregnancy calendar wheel), but it feels like an eternity! Everyone's arrival predictions have past and now we all just wait and I wake up each morning hoping today might be the day. I'm afraid I'll start having nightmares that in two years I'll still be carrying around an enormous child in utero.

I'm also more than ready to be back living in community with Charis and Jay...to be able to process our experiences, struggles, questions, and revelations (be they joyful or utterly depressing) together daily. The 90 miles between us seem awfully far as the four of us have been so enmeshed in different daily experiences this summer. I look forward to coming together again and re-solidifying our commitment to our vision. It's always been there, evident and rearing - but there is something to say for the little interactions that make life together fuller...sharing the sink as we brush teeth, making meals, planning projects, cleaning, relaxing, laughing.

While I complain about how hard it is to be patient and how much we have going on aside from becoming parents, Chris and I have had this beautiful space in time this past week together that, had baby been on time or early, we never would have been able to enjoy. Not knowing when baby will come, we've made no plans beyond every couple of hours...this has given us a gift of many days together eating breakfast on the porch, taking long walks, reading, napping, packing...aside from trying to physically exert myself into labor, it's been a fantastic, relaxing week with my mate.

It's also been a real test of my faith and stress-coping skills. I know I struggle with anxiety - big change overwhelms me and it has taken very deliberate effort on my behalf to cope with the major changes over the past year and a half. And while I do have days where coping consists of exhausted tears, I almost always feel a sense of peace and faith about our lives. This alone shocks me, considering that a few years ago I might have found myself paralyzed at the idea of having a baby, moving to a farm, getting a dog (?), all in less than two weeks. Pregnancy has been an amazing experience - and I believe it has healed many of my high-strung tendencies. I have learned to rely on my body, my instincts, and my relationships to understand what I do not know. It has helped me to put things in perspective. Chris's quiet, patient faith has been the foundation for my courage and excitement. We are bound tighter together than I ever imagined possible, thanks to the miracle of this child.

It's hard to imagine tonight, tomorrow, or next week - when baby finally arrives - what parenthood will look like. But I am not afraid. I rejoice and wait.